Monthly Archives: February 2015

10 Moms You Are Guaranteed To Run Into This Weekend

The Close Talker: This is the mom who always lures you in closer and closer to her personal space. Not to get verification on how well or bad her breath smells, but wants to make the two of you feel like you are in a more intimate situation where she can deliver some scandalous gossip. She really just wants to tell you that she has a special coupon to get half off your single purchase, but shhhh!

The One Who Can Never Remember Your Name: This is my favorite mom in the whole wide world. You’ve seen her 50 times at school events, she’s invited your children to birthday parties, she’s even half-smiled at you when you held the door open for her once. However, you can be standing in line right next to her at the coffee shop and she won’t even flinch when she recognizes you…Um you think she saw you right?

The Busy Mom Who Is Always Busier Than You: She’ll give you her entire itinerary for the weekend that takes up 10 minutes of your valuable shopping time at the grocery store and then when she asks you what your plans are she doesn’t wait for an answer and tells you she’s just to busy to chat.

The Texter: You’ll never hear her utter a word to you in person. But she’ll randomly text to ask you a question about something insignificant. For example, what time does soccer practice start?

The Know-It-All: For Realz…from the hottest restaurants to eat at to the newest toy your child should own right now- to having a holistic doctor’s number on speed dial to look at your kids rash. She has all the answers. It may make you angry (and a little jealous), but you want her in your circle.

The Complainer: It’s been a while since you’ve seen her, but she’s talking about her lower back pain again! You don’t even remember asking this time or last time.

The Competitor: She is not coy about her agenda. Her first question is, “Is your son talking yet? How many words? Is he potty trained? Does he know all the words to Adam Levine’s Animal, like my little star?”  Enough said!

The Religious Mom: She’s the sweetest most approachable friend who just like some well-known celebrities at award shows always thanks God first for granting her this wonderful life. Then screams, “damn” because she can’t find he car keys.

The Nodder: Probably my second favorite mom. Your conversations are usually kept very short and simple. You get so self-conscious that you start talking about generic stuff like the weather. She offers no feedback except a quick nod to let you know she is half listening, but really she could give absolutely two shits about what you have to say and then excuses herself once her “mom” calls on her cell phone. Sure it’s her mom!

The Apologizer: This scenario usually plays out the same exact way every time you see “Miss Full of Excuses.” Here is how the conversation goes:

You: Hi.
Apologizer: I’m so sorry I haven’t been in touch.
You: That’s ok we’ve both been busy.
Apologizer: I just feel bad that life gets in the way of being more social.
You: No worries. We’ll catch up when we have the time.
Apologizer: Definitely. I’m sorry if it takes me some time to reach out.
You: No rush.
You walk away. Your phone gets a text.
Apologizer: Sorry for running so soon. Kids making me so frazzled. Truly sorry.

Next week, I’ll give you the next 10 mommy friends you will love, avoid or cringe seeing, but guess what friends, there’s no denying we fall into at least one of these categories. Have a great weekend

Take The Angry Selfie Dare. I Did!

Have you ever felt the intense heat from anger travel through your jaw line to neck to limbs to toes? You get so revved up that you’re sure your body temperature has skyrocketed, your muscles have tightened and you are convinced that you can spit out inconceivable huge balls of fire with a simple exhale.

Of course you have. You’re a mom.

I would love to switch bodies with my son or daughter to witness what they ACTUALLY see when I get enraged (I like to call it a “little upset”). I’m most curious about which facial expression frightens them most? Do my mood swings happen in stages like an artist draws a smiley face that goes from happy to sad to mad or is it the final smug or evil glare that seals the non-negotiating discipline deal? I’ve been told in the past when I flare up my eyeballs pop out of my head. I’ve also been told that when I yell my mouth stretches open much wider than ever expected. It’s as if I become the Incredible Hulk (with lady parts of course and a prettier shade of green). Many times, I feel absolutely horrible (and self-conscious) that my kids get so frightened by my Momster transformation. Even though I feel all of this madness from the inside I can’t visualize what it looks like on the outside. I decided I needed to get a real, true depiction of my angry face sans Photoshop and cover up. That’s when the “angry selfie” was created.

angryselfie

Here’s how it works. I imagine a usual misbehavior my kids do that irritates me. I feel the impulse to react and then SNAP. It’s an angry selfie masterpiece in real-time. After weeks of taking several freeze frames I concluded being mortified and feeling guilty about my hideous mean mug was a huge waste of energy. Instead, I wanted to embrace the hilarity of these unpredictable and very unappealing poses that qualify me as a real, unrefined mom.

To all my fellow moms, I urge you to take the angry selfie challenge. Not only is it courageous, but cathartic. Always have your iPhone in hand and quickly zoom in on your “glam”mad face minutes before you start raging, threatening and turning into a storybook parent villain. Does your toddler terror have the power to turn you into the she-devil? Most of us would say no freakin way! Like our little rascals, moms can’t always be expected to act composed, mature and do the right thing, but we can be more grown up and make little tweaks to our snappy tone and own temper tantrums. Hopefully our efforts will be noticed by our children so we don’t encourage mini-copycats and our selfies will make us more self aware of the many faces we want to display and the ones we simply want to delete forever!